Well figuratively, I mean I think I’m pretty clean I just took a shower….. Ok so now that the semester is done and I’m beginning my internship in the capital tomorrow I think its time to come clean with a few things from this past semester. I mean it won’t do any good with anyone except maybe myself, but I think that makes it all the more important don’t you?
Let’s start with the beginning, because it’s usually a good place to start. As many could have guessed by this point- Ryan and I had a rocky semester together this past semester. It resulted from I think some mixed feelings, which didn’t help our both strong pig-head personalities. Needless to say, he caused me a lot of stress this semester. Not only from the fighting and disagreements, but also from the mental stuff. Looking in on this from the outside, it needs to be understood that for a good 4 months I pretty much idolized this guy and always wanted to do good-by him. That being said with the rockiness of our relationship this past semester and me really coming into my leadership position on campus along with winning Presidency kind of exacerbated the matter. I no longer looked to him 24/7 for approval, but at the same time I still wanted it. So when we got into fights or he yelled at me and told me what I did was wrong or stupid it really got to me. I tell you this so that you understand that everything after this resulted in a way from this relationship.
So the next thing is that this semester I did a few things I told myself I’d never do- all of which was self-destructive behavior. I started drinking… a lot. Not like a “Oh Sara, you’ve had 1 too many drinks at the bar”, but more of a I had at least one drink a day, didn’t matter the time of day. As soon as I began to feel stressed I’d have a drink. It got the point where some people were genuinely concerned for me. I then proceeded to hide it better. But still cracks in the façade still happened… The week before my spring break, I spent the entire week in my office drinking and crying hysterically because of Ryan and stress and I only let my one friend Taylor talk to me at all.
Next, I started making myself throw up. I know, pause for gasp. It’s a terrible thing to do and I recommend anyone who thinks that’s the way to go- seek help. It stemmed from a feeling of losing control. With everything with Ryan and just general stress compounded on top of school work and a million other things I felt it was the only thing I could control in my life. I wasn’t working out as much, which depressed me more so I felt this was the only way I could control anything. It happened once or twice and then slowly started to happen more frequently. I’ve since stopped and haven’t done it for at least a month now, but that’s not to say I won’t start again. This being said I do realize that its something that if happens again I’m going to need to see someone about.
All 3 of these things compounded on top of one another in addition to other commitment stress. Mainly my house, who I was always cleaning up, together along with the President of the house. It seemed like when we had 1 fire out, another started. And what made it worse was that I never felt like anyone in the house understood except for the President because we were in it together. This added stress has made me come to resent my house, which isn’t something that I want, but can’t be controlled. The only thing is that I hope being semi-active this next summer and having these few months in the summer away from it will help with everything.
This past semester it seemed that stress, after stress kept piling up and there was nothing I could do. I never want to be that way again. I never want to be so depressed that I start drinking everyday and making myself throw up again. I think everything will be better partly because Ryan has now graduated so he won’t be around next semester, I’ve got a stronger support base now- many people showed me how much they supported me this past semester while everything was going on.
Also, I’ve learned from all of this. For about a month now I’ve been turning things around. Barely drinking, not throwing up. I’ve been working out more and turning towards working out and eating healthy. I’ve been spending more time with my friends and honestly I haven’t been talking to Ryan, which as silly as it seems has helped a lot in and of itself. I know who will be there to support me when I’m coming undone and that’s all I need right now. Along with some more fruit!
So I know this has been a real heavy, slightly downerish post, but I feel lighter now that I’ve gotten all this out there. I promise tomorrow’s post will be much happier, I already have it planned out in my head 🙂
So until later, TTFN.