Coming clean…

Well figuratively, I mean I think I’m pretty clean I just took a shower….. Ok so now that the semester is done and I’m beginning my internship in the capital tomorrow I think its time to come clean with a few things from this past semester.  I mean it won’t do any good with anyone except maybe myself, but I think that makes it all the more important don’t you?

Let’s start with the beginning, because it’s usually a good place to start.  As many could have guessed by this point- Ryan and I had a rocky semester together this past semester.  It resulted from I think some mixed feelings, which didn’t help our both strong pig-head personalities.  Needless to say, he caused me a lot of stress this semester.  Not only from the fighting and disagreements, but also from the mental stuff.  Looking in on this from the outside, it needs to be understood that for a good 4 months I pretty much idolized this guy and always wanted to do good-by him.  That being said with the rockiness of our relationship this past semester and me really coming into my leadership position on campus along with winning Presidency kind of exacerbated the matter.  I no longer looked to him 24/7 for approval, but at the same time I still wanted it.  So when we got into fights or he yelled at me and told me what I did was wrong or stupid it really got to me.  I tell you this so that you understand that everything after this resulted in a way from this relationship.

So the next thing is that this semester I did a few things I told myself I’d never do- all of which was self-destructive behavior.  I started drinking… a lot.  Not like a “Oh Sara, you’ve had 1 too many drinks at the bar”, but more of a I had at least one drink a day, didn’t matter the time of day.  As soon as I began to feel stressed I’d have a drink.  It got the point where some people were genuinely concerned for me.  I then proceeded to hide it better.   But still cracks in the façade still happened… The week before my spring break, I spent the entire week in my office drinking and crying hysterically because of Ryan and stress and I only let my one friend Taylor talk to me at all.

Next, I started making myself throw up.  I know, pause for gasp.  It’s a terrible thing to do and I recommend anyone who thinks that’s the way to go- seek help.  It stemmed from a feeling of losing control.  With everything with Ryan and just general stress compounded on top of school work and a million other things I felt it was the only thing I could control in my life.  I wasn’t working out as much, which depressed me more so I felt this was the only way I could control anything.  It happened once or twice and then slowly started to happen more frequently.  I’ve since stopped and haven’t done it for at least a month now, but that’s not to say I won’t start again.  This being said I do realize that its something that if happens again I’m going to need to see someone about.

All 3 of these things compounded on top of one another in addition to other commitment stress. Mainly my house, who I was always cleaning up, together along with the President of the house.  It seemed like when we had 1 fire out, another started.  And what made it worse was that I never felt like anyone in the house understood except for the President because we were in it together.  This added stress has made me come to resent my house, which isn’t something that I want, but can’t be controlled.  The only thing is that I hope being semi-active this next summer and having these few months in the summer away from it will help with everything.

This past semester it seemed that stress, after stress kept piling up and there was nothing I could do.  I never want to be that way again.  I never want to be so depressed that I start drinking everyday and making myself throw up again.  I think everything will be better partly because Ryan has now graduated so he won’t be around next semester, I’ve got a stronger support base now- many people showed me how much they supported me this past semester while everything was going on.
Also, I’ve learned from all of this.  For about a month now I’ve been turning things around.  Barely drinking, not throwing up.  I’ve been working out more and turning towards working out and eating healthy.  I’ve been spending more time with my friends and honestly I haven’t been talking to Ryan, which as silly as it seems has helped a lot in and of itself.  I know who will be there to support me when I’m coming undone and that’s all I need right now.  Along with some more fruit!

So I know this has been a real heavy, slightly downerish post, but I feel lighter now that I’ve gotten all this out there. I promise tomorrow’s post will be much happier, I already have it planned out in my head

So until later, TTFN.

Good things come to those who… stalk.

So my mom’s text to me the other morning the day of my interview with Assemblywoman Russell’s office; “don’t be afraid to show your enthusiasm…. without looking like a stalker.”  Thanks mom, I’ll try not to be a stalker.  Background to this text- I kinda stalked Addie Russell’s assembly page.  But to justify it, I did it as a break from studying for my finals this past week and because I wanted to learn more about her.  

Anywhoser, it went well….. I start Wednesday. So if you can’t tell, the decision was made for me in essence- I turned down the Environmental Advocates of New York.

But I’m very excited.  I really wanted to intern with Addie and now that I’m going to, well to be honest. I’m a little bit terrified. But mostly because I don’t want to screw up and I don’t want to look stupid.  But I do think that I’ll learn a lot and I am excited for that.  But I have to go home and finish up packing. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’m going to spend the night at my camp with my mom drinking a few beers because I’m 21 and I can.  So I might be a little radio silent for a few days, which is funny because a friend of mine just commissioned today, but I’ll talk about that later….

So until then, TTFN.

My head is spinning!

Like literally, I can’t even begin to tell you how much my head is spinning.  It is currently my finals week and as of right now I’m done.  I handed in my senior seminar paper on Monday afternoon and I had two “actual” finals  yesterday.
I got a call at the beginning of the week from the Environmental Advocates of New York.  They offered me the internship position I applied for…. I’m currently torn.  I have an interview today with Assemblywoman Russell’s office…. She’s kinda my idol. In that, she’s a very strong woman leader who takes on a lot of the topics that I’m interested in.   So basically my heart wants the internship with Addie Russell but I’m afraid that I won’t get it.

It’s one of those times where I wish I could flip a coin to make a decision… or become a hermit.  I’m like having arguments in my own head with myself- two versions of myself.  One is reasonable, one isn’t.

Well I think I’ll give that coin flip a try.  Not joking.

I found out that I got 3.7 in my Crime and Justice class.. which is good considering it has a lot to do with law and stuff…. since you know that’s what I want to go into.

I’m literally pooping my pants since I’ve given in my senior seminar paper. Senior Seminar is a class in which you do independent research all year on a thesis statement that you make that you then have to write a paper on.  A 25 page paper.  The thesis I wrote was on, and I quote; ‘ Individuals should have the ability to use hate speech in its unrestricted format in areas of open public forums on public college campuses.’  Basically without getting into it in detail it was a really interesting paper and process with a lot of work!

So basically I equated it to a baby that I was carrying for a few months.   I created it, I fostered it, I watched it grow… and then I gave it up! I gave it up for adoption.  A piece of me is gone with a piece of my paper. Now I’m in limbo waiting for grades, waiting to make a decision… basically just waiting.

So I’ve got a lot of things to think about and a coin to flip.  So until later, TTFN.

Working it out

So Wednesday I ran with Kinga, it was a lovely run and I almost died.  I haven’t been working out, in fact I’ve been very strongly slacking as of current.  But I hopped back on the bandwagon so to speak last Saturday and I’ve been working out everyday again.  I’ve been eating healthier again and I have some goals for my body.

My goals are; 

- lose 5-10 lbs.

- get toned.

- define my abs.

I basically just want to get into better shape in general.  I want to wear my bikini on the beach and feel hot, but I also want my body to have more power for my tri’s and my running.  My body is capable of all that muscle and power I just have to sculpt it out! And that’s where my friend Maggie and sister Carla come in…

Maggie is great with nutrition, like seriously.  I go grocery shopping with her/actually make her go with me every week so that she can help me pick out better options.  She’s like a step below dietitian and she’s a personal trainer- she knows her stuff.

And my sister Carla is really intense with fitness (I think she’s an amateur body builder?) don’t quote me on that.  Anyways, she’s basically a bamf with working out and lifting.  So she’s been kind enough to help give me some workouts and plans to do.

So basically these next two weeks at school I’m going to be kicking my own butt into shape with the help of Kinga, Maggie, and Carla.  I think that if I can get myself going then I’ll be able to keep it up and not stop.  Especially, since I’ve made plans with my friend Ne Ne at home to do Insanity when we get back… I think I go this.

So I have loads more to tell you, but it doesn’t relate to working out so I’ll save it for later. It’s exciting too! But with that I’ll leave you on a cliffhanger.

So until later, TTFN.

We all need a little motivation sometimes

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -Kurt Vonnegut-

Ok so I’ve been super motivated today and far less cranky than yesterday so- Yay!  My cranky-less reform has come from a few sources; a lecture on Wangari Matthai (I will explain in a later post), my finding pintrest- that thing is so fun!, and finding a running tumbler.  Really the better part of my life today has been spent on the internet- #sorryI’mnotsorry!

Anywhosers, I’m realizing that I’ve been on the wrong bus (this will be explained with the Wangari Matthai), so I am trying to change the way I see things and I’m trying to get back into the swing of running and working out.  As it looks right now I don’t believe I will have any internship this summer, but who knows?

Independent Woman Moment of the day: Oh, btw I’ve decided to make this a new moment for myself.  Anywhoser, the doorstop on my office door broke (I blame Scott P. Turner) and I needed a screwdriver and I ran around the building until I finally found one and then I fixed my doorstop myself.  I then proceeded to go around yelling; “I’m an independent woman, I don’t need a man. I can fix things by myself!” Then someone pointed out I got the screwdriver from a guy, but I really think that’s besides the point don’t you?

So those are my moments for the day. I’ve got plans for myself in these next few months and I intend to see them through!  I’ll unveil my cray cray ideas at a later date.

Until then, TTFN.

There’s BLOOD EVERYWHERE!

So…. I gave blood today. That doesn’t seem like a big thing, but for me it is.  I haven’t been able to give blood since the first time I did it my junior year of high school.  So it has been 4 years since my Iron levels have been high enough to give blood because I’m anemic and I’ve been on iron pills.  I’m glad to say they’ve finally started to pay off. But I digress…

So my friend Taylor is enjoying digging up some crappy stuff with me.  I mean he’s just trying to have a conversation with me and understand why I’m so stressed right now and why I am the way I am about certain things. Which I feel like is putting me in a worse mood because now I”m just thinking about things and getting cranky.

Oh well, TTFN.

Rain is made up of a lot of rain drops.

So as I said before Alumni Board was this past weekend and a lot of lovely things happened (besides all the crazy drinking);  First off, I saw Roger Linden, the school lawyer crack multiple jokes (I’ve never seen him besides with a serious face), and then wear jeans! Again, I’ve never seen him in anything besides a 3 piece suit.  I hugged the President of the school and we had lovely chats about the most random crap because hey, that’s just Schwaller.

I met a woman who I hope to intern with possibly next spring.  I got on P.B.’s and Josh’s nerves tremendously… that part was super fun.  I got to see my besties A.j. and his gf/ my new bff Sue and drink with them and become their surrogate daughter.. we can discuss that at a later date…

I talked with a woman named Amy Kellog on the Alumni Board about a program that works in tandem with Albany Law for my masters/J.D. and I heard back from a possible internship opportunity that I have to call on Monday to know whether or not I am able to have an internship this summer in Albany…

I got to bond with my little, I got a bunch of free stuff at Springfest.  I had one of my good friends suggest we date and I kinda freaked out and just stared him and made the whole situation super awkward…. Still don’t know what I’m going to do about that. 

It’s a long way from where I’ve been.

Another great quote from The West Wing; 

Guy: “I have a confession, I never voted for you.”

President Bartlet: “Well, I’m here so thanks for trying anyways.”

Haha I think that will be my response if someone thinks I’m doing a bad job or are getting mad at me.  I think it will accurately portray the amount that I care about their criticism.

Anywhoser moving along… This weekend was the Alumni Board and Foundation Board meetings.  And honestly, I usually kinda don’t like going, but I had a LOT of fun this weekend.  To be fair there was a lot of alcohol involved- those Alumni really know how to party.  A few kept buying me beers and I was like guys.. I can’t keep up.  And then they tried to buy more and I was like NOOOOO. I need to remove myself from this situation.

And today during our Alumni Board meeting I pretty much forced the Alumni Board President to wear a tutu this summer during our next meeting.  So I can tell he’s not too happy with that situation, but now he has learned not to mess with Sara Behuniak! Mwahahah!

Moving along, it has been Springfest week and don’t get me wrong I’ll help out and hang around for a good chunk of time, but I leave… specifically because I don’t commit to helping. Which is kinda awesome, especially because I have a bunch of house stuff to do tonight and it is going to go pretty late.

Which brings me to my next topic of discussion…. I have a little. Yeah, I’ve basically been bragging about her to everyone I meet. It’s kinda awkward, but apparently she’s been doing the same thing soo at least we are both awkward together… right? Anywhoser, isn’t she beautiful? This is basically the last face we made in the photo booth and the guy taking the pictures saw it and was like… nice picture… and we just started hysterically laughing.

So basically the moral of the story is I know she’s my little for a reason.  Especially since we basically have the same sense of humor and just make people around us feel uncomfortable… and that’s how it should be.

I’m going to get back on track with my running because last time I went running this past week I was drunk… needless to say it ended badly. Mostly with me puking. Either way, I’d prefer to not continue down that path, which I’m sure you are picturing in your head.
It’s time for me to makes some changes with my life.  Especially after all the great conversations that I had this weekend and the super fun times.  But I’ll continue that story tomorrow.

So until later, TTFN.

My Care factor has gone down greatly

Ok, not gone down… ok well yes gone down.  I’m exhausted to the point of collapsing.  It’s kinda ridiculous actually.  I feel as if I have a 20 lb. weight on my shoulders. There’s a great line I just heard while watching The West Wing and it goes like this;

Guy; “Mr. President, if you don’t mind me saying.  You look a lot more tired than when I saw you a few months back.”

President Bartlet; “Yes, well won’t you be surprised then when you see me in another few months and see how tired I look then? I don’t sleep much anymore.”

That’s what I feel like.  I don’t sleep much, I really don’t. I think it’s a mix between a lot on my mind, a lot to do and just general not being able to actually get to bed until late.  Then I wake up wicked early to workout and get more stuff done.  It’s a never-ending cycle.

My battery is drained and I’m starting to have that awkward moment in class where your head starts to droop and you keep catching yourself.  That happened in all three of my classes today.  That’s also another sign that I’m exhausted.

So my hope is tonite I will be able to finish reading a chapter tomorrow and maybe get a bit ahead of the reading for the class and then I would like to get to bed before midnight.

Those are my goals for tonite so let’s see how long it takes to shoot them to hell.
Until later, TTFN.

The Power of not Sleeping

FTW= For the win.  So basically for the past week or two I have been running on very little sleep. I get maybe 6 max a night at best. It’s going downhill every night in that I usually wake up at least once during the night if I am just regular amounts of tired, but for the past few weeks as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m out until my alarm goes off and believe you me, there’s not many hours between those two points.  I’d like to demonstrate my point with a lovely picture:

Like literally, this is me at the gym at the morning more often than not.  I feel so sluggish that literally I don’t feel like running anymore, not because I don’t want to, but because I’m so exhausted.  So I’ve been lifting weights and doing abs and half-assing some biking. But that’s a matter to worry about when I have more sleep and my brain is functioning better.

Well, I won my SGA election, I am now SGA President Elect and my good friend Scott P. Turner (yes the P. is necessary) is SGA Vice President Elect.  We are currently at SUNY SA in Albany and I am dying a slow death… the only thing keeping me awake is…. nothing.  Honestly, I have no idea how the hell I’m awake right now. 

Anywhosers, tots ma goats just got busted by SA Treasurer…. oops! So I better start paying attention to Nedermeyer’s officer report now!

Until later, TTFN.